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09/19/2008: "The Last Cigarette"
He put his nicotine stained fingers up to his mouth and tapped three times then grabbed the imaginary hot tip of it and pulled it off and dropped it into the waste basket. I could see he wanted to grab his bottle of water to put out the fire he had just started but then I think the morphine took him deeper into lala land.
Our daughter was hoding his hand and telling him it was okay to leave us while I took the wrappers off the new bottle of liquid Lorazepam and the eye-dropper then I looked at his chest and said, "I don't think he needs it," and he took his last breath. We were all by his side and held each other and cried. A few minutes later I went on auto-pilot and called the on-call hospice nurse who made the necessary call to the funeral home and they were there 15 minutes later. His oldest daughter had gone into the kitchen to call her husband with the news and when she came back into the bedroom he was already on his way to the funeral home. She said, "Where's dad," and I had to tell her they had already taken him away, then I felt bad that she might have wanted to spend some time with him or something. When I gave him the last kiss goodbye, he was already cold so I was thankful I went with someone local instead of trying to get help with the cremation costs, who were all off Island, and wouldn't return my call. I came up with $1000.00 I didn't know I had and they said I could make payments on the rest. I've always had a problem with funerals and keeping the bodies around for viewing and saying goodbye. They never look like the person they were and I just think it's not necessary.
Both my grandparents caskets were open and they didn't look at all like they did when alive.
I'm glad he agreed to cremation but of course he requested having his ashes spread at his favorite place they went on his tugboat a number of times, with total disregard as to how much money it will cost everyone. Princess Louisa Sound in Canada. I'll be surprised if he makes it there.
I didn't dance this morning. Too tired and drained from it all.