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September 2008
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Sunday, September 21st

It's Time To Change The Law



When it's obvious that death is approaching in a matter of hours or a coma that can last indefinitely, the family should be able to be notified so they could be present if they want to, then the attending doctor or nurse could give them an injection before they have to gasp for every breath because their lung has collapsed and there is so much pain, the kidneys have failed, the belly fills with fluid, and the body shuts down.
I know there was more family who would have wanted to be here when the time came but I don't think they would have liked seeing how he had to struggle to breathe for hours before he died. We get to end the suffering for our terminal pets, so why not our loved ones in their final hours.
Bonnie Jean on 09.21.08 @ 08:23 AM PST [link]


Saturday, September 20th

Get Over It


A few weeks ago he told me he missed the hugging and cuddling so I made an effort to touch him again. It's been as though my mind wouldn't let my body feel anything for him. The last time, when he let me believe he was dying of cancer for four months, I held him in my arms everyday and night, while we both cried and cried, but then his conscience actually got to him and he confessed what the real problem was. That's all I could think about since his prognosis but when he made me aware of it, I forced myself to get over it. I just hope it gave him a little comfort during his last few weeks.
Bonnie Jean on 09.20.08 @ 10:43 AM PST [link]


Friday, September 19th

The Last Cigarette


He put his nicotine stained fingers up to his mouth and tapped three times then grabbed the imaginary hot tip of it and pulled it off and dropped it into the waste basket. I could see he wanted to grab his bottle of water to put out the fire he had just started but then I think the morphine took him deeper into lala land.
Our daughter was hoding his hand and telling him it was okay to leave us while I took the wrappers off the new bottle of liquid Lorazepam and the eye-dropper then I looked at his chest and said, "I don't think he needs it," and he took his last breath. We were all by his side and held each other and cried. A few minutes later I went on auto-pilot and called the on-call hospice nurse who made the necessary call to the funeral home and they were there 15 minutes later. His oldest daughter had gone into the kitchen to call her husband with the news and when she came back into the bedroom he was already on his way to the funeral home. She said, "Where's dad," and I had to tell her they had already taken him away, then I felt bad that she might have wanted to spend some time with him or something. When I gave him the last kiss goodbye, he was already cold so I was thankful I went with someone local instead of trying to get help with the cremation costs, who were all off Island, and wouldn't return my call. I came up with $1000.00 I didn't know I had and they said I could make payments on the rest. I've always had a problem with funerals and keeping the bodies around for viewing and saying goodbye. They never look like the person they were and I just think it's not necessary.
Both my grandparents caskets were open and they didn't look at all like they did when alive.
I'm glad he agreed to cremation but of course he requested having his ashes spread at his favorite place they went on his tugboat a number of times, with total disregard as to how much money it will cost everyone. Princess Louisa Sound in Canada. I'll be surprised if he makes it there.
I didn't dance this morning. Too tired and drained from it all.
Bonnie Jean on 09.19.08 @ 10:32 AM PST [link]


Wednesday, September 17th

It's So Hard



His left lung is gone and I don't think he knows we are here with him. I didn't think it would be so fast and yet I didn't think he would make it this long. I'm thinking he won't last the night but the hospice nurse says he could slip into a coma for weeks. I hope that doesn't happen because that was one thing he didn't want, becoming a vegetable.
He always said he wouldn't stay around to be a burden to anyone and would go out with a syringe full of heroin but when it came down to it he just kept saying he wasn't ready yet. I don't know what he was waiting for unless he had hoped his youngest son might have a heart and come see him but he didn't and I don't think I can forgive him for that.
I'm so grateful for all the family that have come to be by his side, it has given him much comfort.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I swear I'll find a better way out when it's time for me to go.
Bonnie Jean on 09.17.08 @ 07:15 PM PST [link]


Tuesday, September 16th

Thankful For Our Family


His grandson flew home from Iraq where he works as an electrician. I'm so thankful he was here these last few days to help lift him in and out of the bathtub and on the commode. There's some things I just can't do by myself and it's great that I haven't had to rely on strangers so far.
His body is shutting down with his kidneys going first. His urine is almost brown and he's losing control of his bowels, not even knowing that he lost control of them during the night. We tried going to a crab feed a few weeks ago and were probably there 15 minutes when he said he needed to go to the bathroom in a hurry. He was sitting on the seat of his walker and his son had trouble rolling it across the stepping stones and walk-ways and even though he had on his adult diapers, he crapped all over himself and his clothes before getting him on the toilet. The washer and dryer are in the bathroom so I washed off his pants and his son put him into the shower why his pants dried. He was so afraid he'd have another accident he made me drive him home.
I let him read the paper that the hospice nurse gave me on what to expect now and I think he finally realizes that he won't be around very much longer. He had hopes of seeing the litter of puppies that are due the first week of October but I don't think that will happen.
I hate seeing him waste away.
Bonnie Jean on 09.16.08 @ 09:37 AM PST [link]


Tuesday, September 9th

The Final Days


He had quite a turnout at the party, around 70 people were there. There were many tears, especially when Kate and Donna played Blue Bayou for him. I don't think I've cried as much in my whole life as I did at the party. Everyone had many kind words of support for what I'll be doing during these last days. I just hope I can handle it.
I'm sure a few of his friends were glad I didn't make him move out before his prognosis, because he had asked them if they could help him find a place. No one offered to let him move in with them and I'm sure seeing how fast he's wasting away they're glad they didn't.
He made it about 3 hours before having to go home and rest. He rode his buddy's electric scooter back but he couldn't walk into the house because his legs were like rubber from all the pain medication he took at the party. He asked me to get his grandson from the party to lift him but by the time we got back, his buddy was dragging him over the threshold, getting a cut on his side. His grandson picked him right up and laid him on his bed. Now there's another sore to dress every day.
He won't let me tell the hospice nurses how he burned the bottom of his heel. I'm glad I bought the baby moniter so I could hear him yell in the middle of the night, when he caught the oxygen hose on fire and happened to be stepping on it. I wonder if he'll learn from that. It's no wonder my blood pressure is high.
Still getting some dancing in but there's hardly time for anything. He needs constant care now.
Bonnie Jean on 09.09.08 @ 11:49 AM PST [link]


Tuesday, September 2nd

Haven't Worked


It looks like a sunny day today even though they predicted rain. I just hope they are right about Saturday, high 70's, for the party he wants before he goes. Sometimes I just pray he'll last til then, since the pain seems to be getting off the charts at times.
We had quite a crowd over the holiday, all his kids (except 1), grand-kids, and 4 great-grand kids. He was really happy they were all here and most will be back for the party.
I got really mad at him this morning. Here he was smoking again while wearing the oxygen hose. I asked him if he was planning on killing all his family at the same time as himself. He was so loaded on the morphine he didn't even remember lighting the cigarette.
Our daughter just arrived to help me for the day so maybe I can get caught up on some work. I hope they keep an eye on him while I'm gone. Still dancing very early.
Bonnie Jean on 09.02.08 @ 07:45 AM PST [link]