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09/17/2008: "It's So Hard"

His left lung is gone and I don't think he knows we are here with him. I didn't think it would be so fast and yet I didn't think he would make it this long. I'm thinking he won't last the night but the hospice nurse says he could slip into a coma for weeks. I hope that doesn't happen because that was one thing he didn't want, becoming a vegetable.
He always said he wouldn't stay around to be a burden to anyone and would go out with a syringe full of heroin but when it came down to it he just kept saying he wasn't ready yet. I don't know what he was waiting for unless he had hoped his youngest son might have a heart and come see him but he didn't and I don't think I can forgive him for that.
I'm so grateful for all the family that have come to be by his side, it has given him much comfort.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I swear I'll find a better way out when it's time for me to go.