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12/25/2008: "Merry Christmas to all"
My husbands favorite checker at the store told me to keep my eyes open to anything that was unusual or out of place here in the house after he died. One morning during my dancing workout I danced into the living room and all the throw rugs were messed up so I straightened them and danced back into the bedroom. The next time I danced my way through the house, the rugs were messed up again and all the dogs were still snoozing. Whenever he would walk through the house, if any throw rug was mussed up he'd start moving it around with his cane, getting pissed if he had to bend over to fix it. I think he hated those rugs for fear of tripping and falling because of them. I can't help thinking about the rugs because that was what my baby Berta chocked to death on.
Everytime she was out of my sight I'd find her chewing on those rugs and everything but didn't know she was actually swallowing what she was ripping apart. Maybe it was ment to be a warning to get rid of them, who knows. I only let her walk around outside a few times because she would root around like a little pig eating whatever was on the ground. Even with the snow on the ground she'd push it out of the way to get to the goodies under it. But then I also have had the feeling that he took her from me, saying that he tried to warm me, but I wasn't listening, and maybe he needed her more than me. Our daughter told me to stop blaming myself and that it happened for a reason so I'm going to try and find that reason. I'm still going to put together her video of each day of her 3 month life. I think the New Year will make up for the crappy end of 2008.
I was actually thinking this was the first Christmas that I hadn't been stressed out at this time of the year. That's what I get for thinking.
I hope my whole family and friends have a wonderful day and a great New Year. I love you all.